Rochdale has witnessed the miraculous appearance of Britain’s newest superhero franchise after dozens of self-appointed patriots announced they would be defending local women from a released grooming gang leader, despite previously being unavailable for virtually every other issue affecting women since records began.
The hastily assembled “rapid response team” insists it is neither a vigilante group nor politically motivated. Members simply happen to share identical Facebook timelines, identical opinions and an identical inability to walk past a Union Jack without photographing themselves next to it.
Spokesmen explained the group would immediately attend if any victim required assistance, before promptly calling the police, who they have spent the last decade describing as corrupt Marxists incapable of locating their own trousers.
Critics questioned whether the movement’s sudden concern for women’s welfare was entirely consistent with its previous campaigns, which mainly involved complaining about cyclists, low-traffic neighbourhoods, Gregg’s vegan sausage rolls and whichever television presenter had offended them that week.
One volunteer dismissed accusations of hypocrisy. “We’re protecting women,” he declared, moments before explaining why women’s refuges receive too much funding, equal pay had “gone too far”, and maternity leave was “woke”.
Residents expressed cautious support for anyone genuinely wishing to protect victims while simultaneously wondering why so many of Britain’s loudest keyboard warriors had managed to free up a Tuesday afternoon despite routinely insisting immigrants were somehow responsible for the nation’s unemployment figures.
Officials reminded the public that safeguarding vulnerable people remains the responsibility of police, probation services and specialist support organisations rather than blokes whose operational experience consists largely of shouting “absolute state of it” beneath newspaper comment sections.
By early evening the rapid response unit had successfully identified three suspicious-looking teenagers, a man carrying a curry, and an electric scooter as potential threats before standing down after receiving reports of discounted lager at the local supermarket, an emergency requiring the immediate mobilisation of every available patriot.
What a surprise. The same corrupt establishment that covered it all up and kept fat Cyril safe and protected in his boy bothering ways for years poors scorn on good people who say “no more”.
I wonder what your motivation could possibly be and how it could relate to what might be found on your hard drives?
A bacon is as a bacon does.
Best read in ages 😁