Reporting from down the M62… Rochdale has once again demonstrated its unshakeable commitment to reading only half of a headline before launching into a confident misunderstanding, as journalist Susan Emmott from Warrington continues to be mistaken for a former councillor of the same name.
The mix-up has reportedly reached such industrial levels that internet users now treat the words “Susan Emmott” as a sort of national lucky dip, clicking first and checking the identity somewhere around the third angry comment.
“I write articles,” sighed Susan Emmottm, “I do not look like a white Diane Abbott”, a journalist from Warrington sat opposite me in the office, while holding up both a notebook and an entirely unnecessary passport. “The other Susan Emmott served as a councillor. We are, despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary, different people.”
We also look entirely different.
Colleagues of the former Emmott say the confusion began the moment people discovered that two individuals can legally possess the same name, a revelation described by social media as “deeply suspicious”.
Residents attempting to clear things up have resorted to increasingly elaborate methods. One volunteer spent three hours drawing a flowchart on the back of a Greggs receipt, only for someone to reply, “Yeah, but are you denying it?” Another simply taped “FROM WARRINGTON” to Susan’s coat, only for a passer-by to ask whether Warrington had recently been moved into the council ward.
The former councillor, who is entirely separate from the journalist, has found herself occupying the opposite end of the confusion, with acquaintances asking whether she has recently started writing news articles from down the M62. Sources confirm she has not.
Search engines, meanwhile, have maintained their traditional policy of shrugging politely before presenting both names in a random order that maximises confusion and blood pressure. One local resident admitted spending an entire evening reading biographies before concluding that “the internet has become too complicated” and returning to shouting at pigeons instead.
Professional fact-checkers, William Howarth, has proposed a revolutionary new system in which readers glance at the accompanying photograph, occupation and first paragraph before composing a furious response. The proposal was immediately rejected as unrealistic.
Local historians believe the incident ranks alongside Rochdale’s greatest identity crises, somewhere between confusing Yorkshire puddings for starters and believing every man called Mike from Bolton once played for a lower-league football club.
As public bewilderment continues, Susan Emmott of Warrington has issued one final plea.
“I am the journalist,” she said patiently. “I am from Warrington. I write stories. If you’re looking for the former councillor, you’ve taken the wrong turning somewhere between common sense and the comments section.”
At press time, at least six people had already replied, “That’s exactly what a councillor would say.”
