Experts have issued an unusual public warning ahead of tonight’s eclipse, amid fears that the sudden darkness could cause prostitutes and other ladies of the night to mistakenly believe their shift has started several hours early.
The warning comes as parts of the country prepare to be plunged into an eerie gloom this evening, temporarily convincing wildlife it is bedtime, streetlights they are required for duty, and apparently certain sections of the nocturnal economy that it is time to clock on.
Officials are particularly concerned about what happens when daylight returns at around half seven.
“An eclipse is confusing enough for birds,” explained one entirely unnecessary expert. “But imagine you’re somebody whose traditional signal for the commencement of business is darkness. One minute the sun disappears, you grab your handbag and head out to work, then an hour later somebody switches the bloody thing back on.”
Members of the public have therefore been warned that the return of daylight could reveal scenes normally protected by the merciful anonymity of darkness.
Motorists have been advised to remain vigilant at traffic lights, lay-bys and other areas where people may suddenly find themselves unexpectedly illuminated like contestants on the world’s bleakest game show.
Scientists say the phenomenon could result in hundreds of awkward moments as the eclipse ends and people discover that what they assumed was midnight is, in fact, half past seven and somebody is walking the dog.
One council is reportedly considering sounding an all-clear siren when the sun returns, although officials abandoned an earlier proposal to broadcast the message “Ladies, false alarm” through emergency loudspeakers after deciding it might raise more questions than it answered.
Police have also urged people not to panic if they witness confused night workers attempting to retreat indoors as daylight rapidly returns.
“They may simply have been caught out by an astronomical misunderstanding,” said a source. “Treat it like finding a fox in your wheelie bin. Don’t approach suddenly, don’t make prolonged eye contact and, above all, don’t start negotiating.”
Astronomers have stressed that tonight’s darkness is caused by celestial bodies aligning rather than Britain finally giving up altogether, although meteorologists have admitted the distinction may be difficult to spot from Greater Manchester.
By half seven, normal daylight is expected to resume, birds will begin singing again, streetlights will sheepishly switch themselves off and Britain’s prematurely activated nightlife will be forced to perform the largest tactical withdrawal since somebody shouted “police” outside a flat-roofed pub.
Reporting from down the M62, we advise readers to enjoy the spectacle responsibly, and remember that when the sun unexpectedly comes back out, some things are better left in the dark.
