Lifelong Manchester United fans have been left outraged and bewildered after discovering they can’t get shirts printed with the names of club legends, because the megastore doesn’t own the trademarks to its own history.
Supporters attempting to relive their glory days with a Beckham 7, Ronaldo 7, or Cantona 7 shirt were instead offered “a nice McTominay 39” and a mug.
A club source confirmed that Manchester United, one of the wealthiest clubs in the world, doesn’t own the rights to the names of its former players, an administrative oversight akin to Buckingham Palace forgetting to trademark “Queen”.
“It’s not new,” said the source, reassuring absolutely no one. “It’s been the case for years. We just didn’t tell anyone because… well, because.”
The rule has reportedly been in place at Real Madrid as well, which is now legally barred from acknowledging Cristiano Ronaldo exists unless he’s buying tapas or breaking a tax law.
Outside Old Trafford, a sign in the megastore politely informs customers that the club cannot legally print the names of its most beloved heroes, but will happily sell you a £95 replica shirt that celebrates the anonymous number 7, known locally as “Dave”.
Fans have called the move “a slap in the face” and “peak Glazers”, with some threatening to start supporting Stockport County, where they can still get shirts printed with “John the lad from the chippy”.
The club has reassured supporters that current players’ names are still available, though some fans argue this makes the situation worse.
“Why would I want a Sancho shirt?” asked one confused pensioner. “He’s only played 11 minutes since 2022.”
Meanwhile, marketing experts are reportedly in talks to launch a new line of United shirts celebrating “Generic Attacking Midfielder 7” in time for Christmas.
