In a chilling tale of culinary confusion and medical malpractice, British doctors have issued a stern warning to the nation: “Stop ramming frozen chips up your arse.”
The plea comes after a baffling surge in DIY haemorrhoid treatments involving potato wedges being deployed where the sun doesn’t shine. Experts believe a misinterpretation of the term “comfort food” may be partially to blame.
Speaking from what we can only assume is a deeply traumatised state, Dr Diana Gall of Doctor-4-U begged patients to try something less daft, like seeing a doctor or sitting on a bag of peas “in the traditional, medically-sanctioned fashion.”
According to baffling instructions circulating online, sufferers are encouraged to freeze slices of raw potato-cut to French fry dimensions, for ease of insertion, one presumes, and pop them up their back passage for a brisk 30 seconds. This, apparently, is repeated over several days until either the haemorrhoids disappear or dinner is served.
“This is not a salad,” Dr Gall probably didn’t say, but absolutely should have.
Despite being hailed by some as a starchy miracle cure, there is, unsurprisingly, zero clinical evidence supporting the idea that your bum is a good place to start a root vegetable revolution. “We recommend fibre and hydration,” said every GP in unison, while quietly Googling ‘potato suppository PTSD’.
One Reddit user reportedly claimed CBD oil was more effective, noting they could “almost recognise their bottom again.” Which raises questions about both their anatomy and previous lifestyle choices.
Meanwhile, David Barcly from CBD Armour expressed confusion over the potato debacle: “Where on earth do people get these crazy ideas from?” he asked, presumably while staring into a cupboard full of kale enema kits and turmeric ear candles.
Public health charity Guts UK! declined to comment on the chip-insertion protocol, which we can only interpret as a polite but horrified no.
The Rochdale Times can confirm this is not the first time Britain has tried to cure a medical ailment with a food item. But let this be the last. We’ve sent an internal staff memo out to empty the office fridge. Your backside deserves better than a frozen McCain.
