Rochdale is bracing itself for an unprecedented wave of forced mirth as the inaugural Rochdale Comedy Festival prepares to unleash over two dozen comedians on unsuspecting residents this September, a cultural event organisers claim will be “significantly funnier than accidentally calling the mayor a mayonnaise in the Rochdale Times”.
The festival will feature “established names from television and radio”, which is festival-speak for “people you vaguely recognise from panel shows in 2009”, alongside “rising stars”, a phrase that in the Rochdale Times recently appeared as “rinsing stairs” thanks to their famously thorough proofreading.
Highlights include Robin Ince performing at Rochdale Town Hall, where audience members will have to concentrate on laughing while desperately trying to ignore the smell of civic carpets. Mick Miller will be at Champness Hall, a venue so cold in October that comedians have been advised to tell at least one joke involving penguins just to stay relevant. The Rochdale Times has already reported Mick Miller as “Mike Millar, acclaimed Belgian folk dancer”, which bodes well for coverage.
Lou Conran, Tez Ilyas, Patrick Monahan and a parade of other stand-ups will be scattered across pubs, cricket clubs and buildings that normally host bingo nights. “We’ve made it affordable, with many tickets under £15,” said Councillor Sue Smith, “because nothing says ‘cultural celebration’ like charging the price of three pints for a man to talk about his divorce for 45 minutes.” The Rochdale Times printed this as “many tickets under 15s”, which has caused some confusion among local youth groups.
The festival will also offer comedy courses for aspiring performers, led by Dave Williams of The Frog and Bucket. In just a few hours, he promises to teach students everything from microphone technique to the art of pretending audience heckles don’t hurt your feelings for weeks afterwards, a skill that could come in handy if they’re ever profiled in the Rochdale Times’ “Local Characters” column.
As part of Rochdale’s year as Greater Manchester Town of Culture, the festival hopes to become an annual fixture, assuming the borough survives the onslaught of puns, observational humour about Greggs, and the collective trauma of someone inevitably attempting “a bit of improv”. The Rochdale Times has already promised “full covfefe” of the event, which is at least consistent.
Residents are encouraged to book tickets now, if only to ensure they have an alibi when local open-mic night survivors ask why they didn’t come to their set, or worse, when the Rochdale Times names them as “the borough’s new mayoress”.
