With water levels lower than a Conservative councillor’s expense receipts, whispers abound that not one, but two colossal housing applications are set to flood the parched remains of Hollingworth Lake. The irony, like the reservoir, is painfully dry.
If you build it, the water will flee as local gossip, always more reliable than government data, suggests developers are preparing to unleash plans for vast suburban sprawl next week. One scheme reportedly involves 300+ homes, a school, a yoga meadow, and a man in a hard hat shouting “sustainability” every six minutes. The other is said to feature detached houses, semi-detached houses, and emotionally-detached planning ethics.
“Rumour has it they’re planning to name the new estate ‘The Lakes’, which is bold considering it’ll be built on top of one,” said one resident while Googling inflatable dinghies for nostalgic purposes.
Sources suggest Rochdale’s planning office has already begun heating up its rubber stamp and sharpening the ceremonial biro used for approving developments over community objections. “We’re very excited to pretend to consider feedback,” said one official, “before green-lighting anything with enough buzzwords and an artist’s impression of a happy Labrador.”
To the untrained eye, the proposals look like an aggressive game of Monopoly being played on a waterboard.Residents have been assured that infrastructure will be added sometime after the first 600 homes are completed. Possibly. If budgets allow. “Think of it like a treasure hunt,” said one developer. “You move in, and then try to find a doctor, dentist, school place or functioning road. It’s interactive!”
Transport links are expected to involve a single bus every fortnight and a zip wire to the nearest Co-op.
Early environmental reports suggest the lake may “experience mild inconvenience” as a result of the housing, including being paved over, drained, and replaced with a commemorative fountain. Bats, birds and vaguely guilty feelings will be relocated.
Plans also include a “nature corridor”, which planning officers confirm is “just a hedge”.
Locals will be invited to a public consultation in a locked portacabin on a Tuesday morning at 6:15am. “We welcome community feedback,” said a developer. “Then we welcome a flat white and a swift rubber stamp. Same thing, really.
If the rumours are true, Hollingworth Lake is about to swap its swans and paddleboards for cul-de-sacs and bin day disputes. A once-pristine reservoir may soon be just a damp footnote in a marketing brochure for “eco-conscious living.”
And as always, reporting from down the M62, we’ll keep you updated, until the signal drops behind another bloody new housing estate.
