Plans to cover moorland with giant spinning lawn ornaments hailed as planet-saving revolution, despite mild risk of sheep vertigo
Rochdale, long renowned for its pioneering work in pothole development and pigeon-based public art, is now set to become the international beacon of renewable energy, assuming nobody looks too closely or asks the sheep.
In what officials are calling a “strong message to the world” and locals are calling “a bit windy up there anyway,” a new 17-turbine wind farm is set to sprout across the scenic wastelands between Rochdale, Bury, and some other places you drive through on the way to somewhere nice. The plan, dubbed Scout Moor II: Spin Harder, promises to generate enough electricity to power every Jobs Centre in Lancashire and possibly one electric scooter in Accrington.
The proposed site spans an impressive 993 hectares of open moorland, or as developers like to call it, “undeveloped energy potential with a few soggy cows.” Turbines will be tactfully placed to ensure minimal disruption to walkers, wildlife, and ghosts of Victorian mill workers still haunting the bridleways. “It’s all about balance,” explained a planning officer. “We want to fight climate change, but we also don’t want to spook the ponies.”
Critics have raised concerns that the turbines may cause visual distress to people in valleys with strong opinions about skylines. In response, developers promised that the turbines would “definitely be there, but, like, tastefully.”
Turley, the consultancy firm behind the application and possibly several Bond villains, declared that the wind farm would “send a powerful message to the international renewable energy community.” While the precise wording of that message is unclear, sources believe it might be: “See? We can build something if we really, really want to and if nobody’s paying too much attention.”
The project also includes the creation of 16.7km of new access roads, which will double as impromptu rally circuits for bored teenagers in hatchbacks. A “dedicated ranger” will be hired to manage trails, educate children, and presumably stop people from licking the turbines.
Local economic benefits include £600,000 annually for community projects, such as painting over rude graffiti on substation walls and erecting informative signs explaining why the local skyline now resembles a blender convention. Business rates worth up to £1.9 million per year are expected, which may finally be enough to patch that one pothole in Milnrow that’s been there since the Thatcher years.
“This is a landmark moment,” said a spokesperson for Rochdale Metropolitan Borough Council when speaking exclusively to the Rochdale Times. “Mostly because it involves a landmark, and you’ll be able to see it from six counties away.”
The turbines are expected to begin operation shortly after the last remaining sceptic has shouted “It’ll never work!” from their front porch while burning tyres to keep warm.
