Police urge public to lock doors, wallets, and common sense
Middleton residents have been warned to be on high alert after a gang of rogue ‘gardeners’ managed to fleece an elderly woman in Alkrington by performing what’s been generously described as “minimal back garden work”, thought to consist of rearranging a gnome and staring threateningly at a shrub.
The conmen, armed with clipboards, high-vis vests, and the moral compass of a damp sock, claimed to be from a legitimate gardening company and charged the unsuspecting pensioner several hundred pounds for their five minutes of effort and half a sachet of Miracle-Gro.
“This is a serious matter,” said PCSO Krishen Vohra, standing beside a withered flowerbed and a very confused dog. “They did almost nothing, then demanded a small fortune. It’s the closest thing to a gardening Ponzi scheme since Alan Titchmarsh sold that compost subscription box.”
The police are now urging locals not to engage with cold callers unless they’re delivering pizza or possibly the Holy Grail.
“Don’t open the door to strangers, don’t hand over cash, and under no circumstances let anyone near your begonias unless they’ve got at least three references and a laminated business card,” warned Vohra.
As part of the new anti-fraud strategy, GMP recommends installing video doorbells, motion-sensor floodlights, and ideally a small trebuchet. Residents are also encouraged to source tradespeople through “trusted” websites, though exactly what counts as ‘trusted’ remains undefined and probably doesn’t include “Dave’s Deals 4 Gardens” on Facebook Marketplace.
Authorities have reassured the public that most people who knock on your door are “probably not criminals,” although if they use the phrase “just passing through the area” and look allergic to actual work, you may wish to activate the sprinkler system.
Anyone who spots a suspicious gardener, rogue tarmac enthusiast or rogue spiritual driveway healer is urged to contact police via 101, or online, unless the individual appears to be in the process of turfing their way through your bank account, n which case, dial 999 immediately and possibly hide behind a hedge.
Reporting from down the M62, we at the Rochdale Times say: if the only thing your gardener leaves behind is an empty wallet and a faint odour of Lynx Africa, it might be time to weed out your friends list.
