Rochdale Town Hall was briefly transformed into a chaotic sea of caps, certificates and sugar-fuelled under-12s as the borough celebrated its second ever Children’s University graduation, an event with more enthusiasm than an Ofsted inspector at a biscuit factory.
Hosted by Altus Education Partnership, the pint-sized ceremony saw 411 young “graduates” from 12 schools don gowns, receive certificates and momentarily believe that university involves VIP doughnuts and a man named Frank reading you bedtime stories. Frank Cottrell Boyce, that is, the actual Children’s Laureate, not a substitute librarian in disguise.
Frank regaled the audience with tales of Hollywood chaos from his latest book, The Blockbusters, in which Year 6 pupils accidentally infiltrate a film set, a scenario that closely mirrored events at Rochdale Town Hall once the Haribo kicked in.
The event doubled in size from last year, largely because someone left the doors open and the promise of free books, caps, and very light academic ceremony proved irresistible. Children who’d racked up 30 or more hours of extra-curricular activity this school year earned their ticket, proving once again that bribery via stickers and goodie bags works better than any curriculum reform.
Each child received a signed book and certificate, and if they’re lucky, a photo of themselves looking simultaneously proud and confused while trying to work out which way round the cap goes.
The Mayor of Rochdale, Cllr Janet Emsley, presided over the celebrations with her consort Mr Ken Emsley in tow, likely wondering how much confetti a 9-year-old can fit in a pocket. Other dignitaries from Rochdale Council, Altus staff, and suspiciously well-dressed mascots were also in attendance.
An Altus spokesperson said it was “lovely to see so many happy, smiling faces,” though refused to confirm how many chairs were destroyed in the ceremonial cap toss.
From down the M62, we salute Rochdale’s Class of ’25, who now understand the true meaning of university: free stuff, a bit of clapping, and someone else paying for the party. Long may it continue.
