In a bold move to redefine aquatic infrastructure as a “luxury the town can no longer afford”, Rochdale council has announced plans to remove all canals from the borough and sell off the soggy land beneath them to housing developers for the price of a multipack of Monster Munch and a brown envelope.
The decision comes after a recent audit revealed that maintaining the historic canal network costs “significantly more than ignoring it and hoping for the best”, according to Councillor Billy Sheerin, head of the newly formed Department for Moist Land Repurposing.
“Frankly, they’re just water-filled trenches,” Sheerin said at Tuesday’s emergency press briefing, held knee-deep in canal silt. “We’ve crunched the numbers and it turns out you can build two executive homes and a Starbuck’s on every half-mile of canal. It’s just maths.”
The council plans to drain the canals by pulling out the plug, assumed to exist somewhere near Castleton, and then inviting local developers to “go mad with it”. Already, developers have submitted proposals for high-density housing estates named things like “Waterside View” and “The Moorings”, in what many describe as a brave reimagining of irony.
Historical societies have reacted with fury, claiming the canals are a vital part of Rochdale’s industrial heritage and a cherished feature of weekend pub crawls involving at least one unexpected dip. Local heritage officer Derek “Barge Boy” Simpkins chained himself to a narrowboat in protest, though was quickly released when it was pointed out the boat had been stolen in 1994 and was technically now a crime scene.
Residents have expressed mixed feelings. “I’ll miss the ducks,” said one woman, “but I won’t miss the smell, the mosquitoes, or the annual local child getting trapped in a lock.”
The Canal & River Trust issued a statement expressing “extreme disappointment” at the decision, before being interrupted by a leak in their own headquarters.
Meanwhile, the council has hinted this may be only the beginning of aquatic asset removal, with early-stage plans to sell Hollingworth Lake to a bottled water company and rebrand the River Roch as a “storm drain with aspirations”.
Reporting from down the M62, where all puddles are now being assessed for affordable housing potential.
