A Heywood man has done the unthinkable, removed a 15-metre telecommunications mast using only sheer indignation and an unusually effective local council.
Nick Bowling returned from his holidays in September 2023 to discover a towering IX Wireless pole had sprouted outside his house like a surprise sequel to War of the Worlds. The mast, which appeared without warning, consultation, or any sense of aesthetic shame, was intended to improve mobile signal in Heywood, a town that famously survives on potato signal and hearsay.
“I came home, put the kettle on, and saw the Eiffel Tower had relocated to my front garden,” Nick told reporters, still visibly traumatised.
After initially trying to remove the mast with glaring and passive-aggressive tutting, Nick approached local councillor Peter Hodgkinson, who, contrary to Rochdale tradition, actually did something. The council was soon involved, apparently awakening from its usual slumber triggered by cycle lanes and bin disputes.
Legal experts had warned there was little hope. Telecoms companies, much like ancient Roman emperors, can erect monuments wherever they please. However, in a turn of events last seen in The Shawshank Redemption, the council issued an enforcement notice citing “unsightly appearance” and “complete lack of basic human decency”.
IX Wireless, who initially fought the decision, ultimately gave up after losing similar appeals in Bolton. The mast was removed, leaving only a mysterious stain on the pavement and a faint echo of 5G.
Locals celebrated the removal by briefly logging onto the internet using dial-up nostalgia, before going outside to look at the sunset unobstructed for the first time in months.
Council leader Neil Emmott confirmed the removal and promised “further action against masts that look like they’ve escaped from a dystopian art installation”. He also highlighted Rochdale’s mesh WiFi project, which connects residents to the internet without the need for 50-foot telephone toothpicks outside their windows.
Meanwhile, IX Wireless has retreated to rethink its PR strategy, possibly involving fewer poles and more conversations with human beings.
As for Nick Bowling, he’s now campaigning for a mast-free Britain and reportedly eyeing up a derelict satellite dish in Middleton.
