Thick black smoke briefly convinced locals the Devil had finally claimed Rochdale for his own this evening, after a fire erupted on Jermyn Street involving a shipping container, a car, and presumably someone’s dignity.
Greater Manchester Fire and Rescue Service were called around 6:15pm to what one bystander described as “a proper biblical inferno, like Bake Off if Satan hosted it.” Initial reports suggest the fire broke out at a garage, which locals say is usually quiet except for the occasional 3am screeching of tyres and suspicious smell of burnt disappointment.
The blaze was brought under control by firefighters, who swiftly cordoned off the area, heroically dampening down what one observer claimed “looked like someone had tried to summon the ghost of Jeremy Clarkson using petrol and regret.”
While early speculation pointed to illegal waste burning or an overly ambitious barbecue, a more credible theory has emerged that a local man was attempting to cook a frozen lasagne on the manifold of a 2003 Vauxhall Astra.
“I told him it wouldn’t work,” said one neighbour, still clutching a half-eaten Cornetto. “But he said, ‘No oven, no problem. Jamie Oliver did it once in a campervan.’”
No injuries have been reported, though several eyebrows were lost to disbelief.
Fire investigators are now trying to determine whether the blaze was caused by mechanical failure, arson, or an attempt to open a portal to hell through questionable DIY.
