In an unprecedented moment of harmony, residents of Rochdale have reportedly all agreed that the new transport plans unveiled by TfGM and the council are “absolutely perfect in every way” and should be implemented immediately, if not sooner.
Eyewitnesses claim that the unveiling of the plans, which include bus lanes, cycle routes, raised junctions, and zebra crossings that don’t require divine intervention to cross safely, was met with spontaneous applause, hugging of strangers, and the sudden appearance of a double rainbow over Oldham Road.
“I’ve never seen anything like it,” said one local shopkeeper. “Usually, if the council paints a yellow line half an inch to the left, half the town threatens a revolution. But this time? People are crying tears of joy and forming human pyramids in jubilation. It’s like the birth of a new era. Or a really, really good episode of Antiques Roadshow.”
TfGM’s Stephen Rhodes, once seen as a man who merely ‘did buses’, is now being hailed as a messianic figure after declaring that the plans would “make journeys quicker, safer and more accessible”. Witnesses claim his words were followed by the gentle sound of angelic harp music and the sudden blooming of daffodils along the A627.
Cllr Shah Wazir was reportedly carried aloft on a sedan chair fashioned from recycled road signs, as townsfolk chanted “ONE-WAY PLATTING LANE!” with such fervour that a visiting geographer fainted from joy.
Even Rochdale’s famously enraged drivers have fallen in line. “Normally I’d be ranting about losing a right-turn lane,” said Keith, 54, from Milnrow, while gently stroking a Bee Network leaflet. “But this… this just feels right. I might even buy a bike. Or legs.”
Social media, usually a warzone of misspelled threats and furious emojis, has turned into a utopian hub of mutual respect and vintage bus appreciation. Facebook groups previously dedicated to pothole outrage are now hosting haiku competitions about traffic calming measures.
Experts are already dubbing this “The Great Rochdale Reconciliation”, with international peacekeepers arriving to study how a town previously divided by minor changes to parking layouts has now united under the banner of active travel. North Korea has reportedly enquired about licensing the strategy.
Public consultations are still open until September 12, although officials admit it’s largely ceremonial at this point. “Unless someone finds a way to make the crossings play the Emmerdale theme tune,” said one council spokesperson, “this plan is done. Rochdale has spoken.”
As of press time, a small boy was seen skateboarding peacefully past a pensioner on a mobility scooter, both smiling as they used a brand new raised junction. One man fainted from pure civic bliss.
