Desperate canal bosses have unveiled their most ambitious water-saving plan yet, asking boaters to quite literally take the piss to stop Rochdale Canal turning into a giant Victorian ditch.
With water levels so low you could cross the canal in a pair of Dr. Martens without getting your socks damp, the Canals and Rivers Trust has begged locals to contribute in the only way left that doesn’t require millions in infrastructure spending: strategically timed bladder donations.
“It’s basic hydrodynamics,” explained one volunteer lock keeper while standing ankle-deep in what used to be four feet of water. “Every pint you drink in The Flying Horse could be a pint in the canal by morning. Rochdale’s nightlife could single-handedly save the waterways.”
The Trust, which manages 438 miles of canals built when Napoleon was still a thing, insists this is a temporary measure until “someone in government notices we exist.” In the meantime, they’ve issued “top tips” for water conservation, which now include sharing locks, avoiding unnecessary boat-washing, and relieving yourself overboard whenever nature calls.
Locals are embracing the scheme with the same enthusiasm they reserve for bin day. “I’ve been topping it up twice a day,” said pensioner Barry Holt, “although my doctor says it’s probably gout now.”
Some remain sceptical. “If you think a few litres of warm lager’s going to keep a 32-mile waterway open, you’re mad,” said Steven Parker of the Rochdale Canal Group when speaking exclusively on the phone to the Warrington-based Rochdale Times. “Although, given this is Rochdale, mad might just work.”
Canal bosses warn that without urgent public participation, Rochdale’s historic waterway could soon return to the derelict state it enjoyed in the 1980s, when it was mainly used for fly-tipping, bike storage, and unsolved mysteries.
