Rochdale residents are being advised to remain calm as a gang of world-renowned mural artists prepares to redecorate the town centre with a riot of colour, culture, and crushing self-awareness.
The Common Walls International Mural Festival, or “Operation Distract from the Public Toilets” as it’s known in council meetings, will run from 7 to 14 September, during which time ten buildings will be legally vandalised in the name of art, urban renewal, and thinly veiled gentrification.
“Think of it as a controlled explosion of beauty in a region previously held together by Greggs wrappers and existential dread,” said AYLO, the festival’s curator and Rochdale native, who apparently left town years ago but has now returned with reinforcements.
The artists, who usually work in trendy parts of Berlin and Bogotá, are being flown in to paint over decades of economic decline, low morale and at least three failed attempts at modern sculpture. Among them are Insane51, Smug1, SecaOne, and Epod, names that sound like rejected X-Men or experimental vape flavours.
Council officials insist this is a “celebration of Rochdale’s spirit,” rather than a desperate attempt to make the place look like somewhere someone might willingly visit without a court summons.
“After years of austerity, this is our chance to put Rochdale on the map,” said Cllr Sue Smith, moments before tripping over a pothole that has been awaiting attention since 2011. “If the murals are bright enough, maybe people won’t notice the town’s unrelenting air of post-industrial melancholy.”
Visitors to the festival can enjoy BMX stunt shows, live graffiti battles, and enough street art workshops to ensure that at least four local teens will be arrested within the month for “expressing themselves inappropriately on a NatWest.”
The murals will reportedly “tell the story of Rochdale”, though it’s still unclear whether this includes the infamous bin strike of 2006, or the spontaneous combustion of the town’s last Woolworths.
Organisers hope to attract tourists, investors, and possibly the mild attention of someone from the BBC. “We’re trying to signal that Rochdale isn’t just a place you accidentally end up when you miss your stop on the Metrolink,” said Pete Courtie of the Rochdale Development Agency. “It’s a place where you can stand in front of a 30-foot mural of a crying pigeon and feel something.”
As Rochdale leans into its new role as a canvas for international talent, locals are being asked to treat artists with respect, avoid offering unsolicited cups of tea while they’re halfway up scaffolding, and please refrain from tagging over finished works with “Dave waz ere.”
The festival ends on September 14, at which point the town will either emerge as a vibrant cultural hub or simply look like someone spilled Burning Man all over a J.D. Wetherspoon.
