In a bold new initiative that definitely isn’t desperate, Rochdale residents are being urged to delete emails, family photos and “anything incriminating” to help save the town’s dwindling water supply.
According to water officials who’ve just discovered how the internet works, data centres storing your 2008 stag do photos require industrial quantities of water to stay cool. The answer? Delete everything that proves you existed.
“Every Gmail purge is a drop saved,” said Environment Agency spokesperson Helen Wakeham while sipping a bottle of mineral water sourced from the tears of optimism. “If everyone deletes their Christmas emails from 2011, we could refill Hollingworth Lake by Thursday.”
Locals have been quick to act, with one woman in Milnrow reportedly deleting 17 blurry pictures of a Bake Off-themed hen night, only to be told she just saved enough water to flush a urinal at a motorway service station. Twice.
United Utilities confirmed that, alongside fixing leaks and asking farmers to stop crying into the soil, they’re also relying on your uncle to finally clear his inbox of chain emails about Princess Diana being alive in the Algarve.
“We’re doing our bit by pretending moving water from one part of the Pennines to another is a long-term strategy,” said chief operating officer Matt Hemmings. “But now we need you to do yours: obliterate those screenshots of your ex’s texts. The frogs will thank you.”
Meanwhile, the Rochdale Canal remains at historic lows, with authorities considering replacing boats with hoverboards or just asking fish to learn to walk.
Rochdale Council has welcomed the initiative, stating they plan to lead by example, beginning with the deletion of several hard drives marked “Misc. Expenses”, “Children Services”, “Planning Decisions 2002–2023” and “Cllr. G’s Ibiza 4G Footage”.
“We’re committed to saving water, transparency, and plausible deniability,” said a council spokesperson while wrestling a USB stick into a shredder.
Residents are reminded that alongside email deletion, other water-saving methods include using bathwater to cook pasta, showering with a friend (consensually), and swapping houseplants for more drought-resistant IKEA catalogues.
Further guidance will be released next week, including whether deleting your browser history can save dolphins.
