Locals fear the supernatural as another year of near-universal academic success sends shockwaves through Rochdale’s “underachieving teenager” economy.
Rochdale Sixth Form College has once again been caught red-handed producing an implausible number of clever, well-adjusted young adults, triggering suspicions that the building is actually a portal to an alternate universe where teenagers revise without threats, bribery, or Wi-Fi bans.
The college announced a staggering 99.2% A-level pass rate this week, leaving traditionalists baffled and local pub quiz teams trembling. With 58% of grades at A*-B and 83% at A*-C, some have called for the institution to be reclassified as a Class A performance-enhancing substance.
“I don’t understand it,” said one local dad, bewildered. “When I was their age, I was still mastering the art of forging sick notes. These lot are off to Oxbridge with four A*s and a LinkedIn profile.”
Principal Karl Smith, believed to be powered by pure optimism and an industrial supply of coffee, called the results “life-changing” and insisted that the students were just “brilliant” and “hard-working”. However, a quick glance at the staffroom’s suspiciously glowing Ofsted shrine suggests something more arcane may be at play.
James Pitts, a former Newhouse Academy student who achieved AAA*A and is now heading to Oxford, humbly declared, “You should never base your ambitions on anyone else’s expectations.” This brave statement was made despite every adult in the room quietly weeping into their Costa cups and wondering what they’ve done with their lives.
Meanwhile, Imogen Holt has secured a competitive degree apprenticeship with Greater Manchester Police, where she will now begin the long journey of politely telling people from Oldham to calm down.
Rochdale’s local secondary schools have responded to RSFC’s results by releasing flocks of balloons “in solidarity” and installing new vending machines stocked with modesty.
Meanwhile, GCSE students across the borough were reported to be “quietly Googling how to get in” while hiding their TikTok addiction from concerned parents.
Local conspiracy theorists have since called for an investigation into what’s really going on behind the college’s perfectly trimmed hedges and suspiciously motivational posters.
“We’re not saying it’s witchcraft,” said one anonymous source from down the M62, “but we’re also not not saying it’s witchcraft.”
