Police, councillors and the obligatory biscuits gathered for a tense episode of “Middleton’s Got Problems” this week, as residents begged someone, anyone, to make the town slightly less terrifying.
Around 50 brave souls ventured to Burnside Community Centre, presumably dodging flaming wheelie bins and stray quad bikes, to attend a meeting organised by Heywood and North Middleton MP Elsie Blundell, an event that she actually showed up to. The event aimed to discuss ways of making Middleton feel less like a deleted scene from The Purge.
“We’re looking at all options,” said Mrs Blundell, “from actual policing to just installing cardboard cut-outs of officers to deter crime. Both are equally well funded.”
Residents voiced concerns over the rising levels of antisocial behaviour, which now reportedly includes such innovative pastimes as “bin jousting”, “drive-by meat theft” and “shouting at clouds while wearing balaclavas”.
Tina Taylor, who lives on Langley, lamented, “I never got any notice about the meeting, which is odd, because the local crack dealer seems to deliver flyers more reliably than the council.”
Social media erupted with similar grievances, with residents questioning why the meeting invitation was apparently delivered via carrier pigeon on strike.
Local woman Lisa Ravenscroft chimed in: “I don’t vote Labour, but I’d still like the courtesy of knowing when we’re all supposed to huddle together and scream into the void.”
Despite the low turnout, Mrs Blundell assured residents she’d follow up on several issues raised, including improving park safety, enhancing policing, and maybe even investigating whether the entire estate could be relocated to somewhere slightly less stabby.
As the community waits for updates, some have taken security into their own hands, forming the Middleton Neighbourhood Watch, which currently consists of one pensioner with binoculars and a baseball bat named Doris.
Reporting from down the M62, we’ll keep you informed, assuming we survive the trip and know what to put in the sat-nav.
