Time is running out for the people of Rochdale to save their housing association from collapsing into a flaming skip of bureaucratic despair, according to a last-ditch plea issued by Rochdale Borough Housing (RBH).
The organisation, which claims to be “the best landlord and employer we can be”, a sentence that suspiciously avoids the word “good”, is begging local residents and staff to stand for election to its Representative Body before the entire operation has to be outsourced to a haunted call centre in Milton Keynes.
“Our Representative Body shapes the future of housing,” said an RBH spokesperson, while quietly leafing through a guide entitled How to Sound Inspirational When the Walls Are Actually Mouldy. “Together, we can ensure RBH meets the needs of our communities, or at least gives the appearance of trying.”
The Representative Body, which sounds much like a mysterious cult or a particularly unenthusiastic volleyball team, is open to tenants and employees willing to devote their time to reading reports, attending meetings, and pretending things are going according to plan.
“It’s a great opportunity to develop new skills,” said one existing member, who asked to remain anonymous due to fears of being approached to chair another subcommittee. “Last week I learned how to nod thoughtfully while someone explained why the lifts still haven’t worked since 2017.”
RBH has promised that getting involved could lead to positive change, personal growth, and the tantalising thrill of influencing policies that will almost certainly be ignored by whoever’s in charge of the budget.
The deadline for nominations is 5pm tomorrow, after which anyone still not involved will be automatically enrolled in a focus group about bin storage and sent to a training session on ‘Vision Casting’.
For more information, or to submit your soul to the housing gods, click here.
