The Met Office has confirmed that this weekend’s Atlantic battering will not be the first official named storm of the season, leaving the nation with winds strong enough to tear corrugated roofing from B&Q but still not apparently worthy of a proper christening.
In protest, Rochdlae has gone rogue and dubbed it Storm Karl, the kind of storm that turns up late to the pub, drinks your pint, then throws a chair through the window before insisting “it was banter”.
Forecasters expect winds of up to 70mph in coastal areas, which experts say is “the exact velocity required to slap a seagull into Blackpool Tower”. Inland, gusts of 55mph will see garden trampolines reach low Earth orbit, with Rochdale already reporting a rogue Lidl parasol crossing into Oldham airspace.
Local resident Tracy, 43, told us: “If the Met Office won’t call it Karl, then we will. I’ve already told the kids that if the shed goes, it’s Karl’s fault. We need someone to blame, and my husband’s run out of excuses.”
Rochdale Council has refused to comment, though a leaked memo suggests councillors are considering “levelling up Storm Karl” by giving it a role post in the next staffing reshuffle.
Meanwhile, the Met Office insists that “Karl isn’t officially a thing”, which is exactly the sort of denial you’d expect from people who once described the Beast from the East as “a bit nippy”.
Karl is expected to fade into patchy showers by Tuesday, bringing the statistics like the Rochdale Times website, leaving Rochdale disappointed, damp, and still unable to find its missing garden furniture.
