Two more shops on Drake Street have been added to Rochdale’s growing “You Are Now Entering A Crime Scene” walking tour, after Trading Standards officers uncovered yet another haul of illicit tobacco, knock-off vapes, and general entrepreneurial optimism gone wildly illegal.
Lazen Food Ltd and Hayati Convenience Store Ltd were both slapped with three-month closure orders this week after officers discovered their version of ‘convenience’ involved flogging cut-price cancer sticks from car boots, sofas, and, in one case, an actual secret tobacco chute linking neighbouring properties, proving that even the criminal underworld can get creative with interior design.
Hayati Convenience Store, which opened in June and lasted roughly as long as a bag of crisps in a primary school, had suspicious links to Polski Sklep, another Drake Street darling shut down two weeks prior for similar nicotine-based nonsense. Both shops, it turns out, were run by the same merry band of smuggling enthusiasts, who, according to witnesses, were regularly seen ferrying tobacco from nearby cars like a nicotine-themed version of Fast & Furious: The Budget Years.
Not to be outdone, Lazen Food Ltd was caught with over 30,000 illicit cigarettes and enough hand-rolling tobacco to roll up the M62. Even on the day police arrived to serve the closure order, staff heroically continued the tradition by hiding even more contraband in a neighbouring unit accessed via sofa-based espionage.
“This is a fantastic outcome,” said Cllr Tricia Ayrton, the council’s deputy leader and cabinet member for climate change, environment and people who have completely misunderstood what the word ‘shop’ means. “These businesses were selling counterfeit cigarettes for £4 a pack, more than £10 cheaper than legal ones, which is both illegal and extremely annoying to everyone who pays £14 for the privilege of slowly dying.”
Operation Tetbury, a joint effort between Rochdale Council and Greater Manchester Police, continues its noble mission to make the town centre feel more like a community hub and less like a tax-free theme park for organised crime.
Inspector Meena Yasin praised the public for sharing intelligence and reaffirmed the police’s commitment to making Drake Street safe, ideally by removing everything currently on it.
If you spot a shop selling £3 vapes, unlicensed Marlboros, or anything that requires a secret hatch to access, you’re encouraged to contact Trading Standards, ideally before the shop has time to change its name, repaint the shutters, and open again under new management called “Definitely Not Polski Sklep 2 Ltd.”
