In what some are calling a minor miracle and others a clerical error, the third Oasis gig at Heaton Park concluded with a mere dozen arrests and a noticeable lack of large-scale rioting, streaking, or unsolicited Wonderwall singalongs. The event, part of the Manchester Live 25 tour, attracted 50,000 fans and a smattering of unlicensed drone pilots, counterfeit ticket enthusiasts, and intoxicated philosophers.
Greater Manchester Police confirmed 12 men aged between 22 and 55 were arrested for a range of classic festival offences: fraud, assault, possession of Class A substances, and the traditional “being drunk and disorderly”, which is also the unofficial motto of Oasis fan forums.
“We’ve only had four fraudsters and two assaults, that’s basically a quiet night at Spoons,” said Assistant Chief Constable Matt Boyle, who presumably celebrated by playing Don’t Look Back in Anger on repeat while confiscating a helium balloon.
Officers were supported by a Section 34 Dispersal Order, which allows police to tell you to bugger off and not come back for two days, a power most parents wish they could wield during summer holidays. The order helped reduce anti-social behaviour, though not the number of middle-aged men attempting to relive 1996 by taking their tops off and shouting “LIAM’S A LEGEND” into the nearest vape cloud.
A police spokesperson noted that illegal entry attempts and unauthorised drones had also been “dealt with robustly”, though the fate of one rogue quadcopter that dropped a sausage roll over the crowd remains unknown.
The Bee Network, meanwhile, has reportedly been buzzing with fans, with travel updates ranging from “expect delays” to “just walk, mate”. Several attendees praised the police presence and the general vibes, with one fan stating, “It’s the safest I’ve felt since someone handed me a pint at Maine Road and said, ‘It’s only Stella.’”
With two more nights of park-based nostalgia to go, authorities have urged concertgoers to behave, avoid climbing any swan pedalos, and to remember that, no matter how many pints you’ve had, Live Forever is not an invitation to test that theory.
