Dear Auntie Sue,
I never thought I’d be one of those women, but here I am: my boyfriend is currently residing at Buckley Hall Prison in Rochdale, and my mother has taken to referring to him as “The Pen Pal”.
We met before his misunderstanding with the stolen catalytic converters, and while I admit he’s made “choices”, I believe people can change, especially when they have 8 to 12 months with limited distractions and an excellent prison library.
He writes me lovely letters (on scented paper, bless him, its a bit spicy) and says when he gets out, he wants to go straight probably into plumbing or pyramid schemes. He even sent me a friendship bracelet made out of mop string.
But my mum’s not having it. She says I should “move on and find someone who’s not locked up with a man called Spider who does tattoo removal with a spoon”.
She’s even tried setting me up with Brad from the butchers, who once spelled ‘beef’ wrong on a chalkboard and has a tattoo of Meat Loaf on his arm.
Auntie Sue, should I wait for my boyfriend, or should I listen to my mum and start swiping right on the semi-employed?
Yours,
Laura
Dear Laura,
Oh love, nothing says romance like a handwritten note from HMP, complete with a doodle of a rose and a threat to Spider for “using his towel again”.
First, let’s be clear: everyone deserves a second chance, especially in Rochdale, where the dating pool is shallow enough to wade through in flip-flops.
That said, you must consider your options. If this man’s idea of a long-term plan is “getting tagged and opening a vape shop”, you might want to pause and assess.
Yes, Brad from the butchers spells like a concussed pigeon, but at least he’s not sending you love notes via prison pigeon.
Here’s what I recommend:
- Set a parole-based deadline. If he comes out and still talks like a motivational poster with neck tattoos, move on.
- Introduce him to your mum, via Zoom. Let her see he’s more than a criminal record and a suspicious knowledge of van engines.
- Make sure he doesn’t expect you to smuggle anything. Mop string friendship bracelets are one thing. Contraband bacon is another.
Ultimately, if he treats you well, wants a fresh start, and promises never to “get in with Spider again”, then maybe – just maybe – love can survive Buckley Hall.
Yours supportively,
Auntie Sue
