Four months, thousands of tiles and one borderline religious experience later, Middleton’s pool returns, colder than forgiveness, but shinier.
Middleton Arena has triumphantly reopened its swimming pools this week, sparking celebration, cautious optimism, and a flood of Facebook comments demanding to know whether the water is still “colder than a penguin’s opinion of Rochdale.”
The pools had been closed since July due to a mysterious condition known as “Tile Detachment Syndrome”, a tragic affliction where bits of the pool spontaneously abandon their duties in search of better prospects, possibly in Oldham. After a full resurfacing, a locker facelift, and what insiders are calling “at least one working hairdryer,” the facility is back in business.
But one pressing issue continues to ripple through the community like a rogue armpit float: Is. The. Water. Warmer.
Locals have not been subtle. Jasmine Hicks begged for warmth. Lindsey Henry pre-emptively shivered. Sylvie Benn Erskine’s triple “please” suggested she may be on her last nerve, or her third hypothermia recovery. One desperate swimmer wrote, “For the love of god,” as though appealing to a divine pool boiler in the sky.
Despite the temperature trauma, the mood among residents remains buoyant. Several have returned to aqua aerobics, spiritual healing, and the sacred act of navigating the new lockers without swearing. Carol Oldham praised the aqua class for her “metal and physical health,” though some suspect that may have been a typo, unless she’s been bench-pressing dumbbells mid-breaststroke.
Wendy Lord celebrated the presence of “six hairdryers”, a number not seen in Middleton since 1997, while Suzan Ashton simply stated: “Can’t wait to come back swimming again,” either as a statement of joy or an ominous vow.
The pool is now open, the tiles are no longer fleeing the scene, and the temperature remains somewhere between “industry standard” and “North Sea in a crisis.” But Rochdale swimmers are a hardy bunch. If they wanted warmth, they’d have booked Lanzarote.
