In scenes not witnessed since last year’s curry awards, Rochdale Town Hall was temporarily filled with hope, polyester robes, and the unmistakable scent of borrowed ambition, as Hopwood Hall College’s Class of 2025 graduated into the real world, or what’s left of it.
The Great Hall, best known for echoing the sound of budget arguments and bingo nights, was packed with proud families, exhausted lecturers, and the occasional lost tourist wondering why everyone looked like a Hogwarts dropout.
Graduates received scrolls, confirming that yes, they had survived Higher Technical Qualifications, HNDs, and at least one printer meltdown per semester. There were tears, cheers, and a mild scuffle over who got the last sausage roll at the buffet.
Former student and current Warrington Wolves winger Matty Ashton opened proceedings with a motivational speech about chasing dreams, dodging tackles, and presumably avoiding the crippling existential panic of life after further education. It went down well, though several computing students were later spotted Googling “How to become a professional rugby player with zero athletic ability.”
Rose Marley, Co-operatives UK CEO and part-time Coogan co-chair for Middleton’s latest redevelopment fantasy, followed up with a rousing tribute to the Rochdale Pioneers, those brave souls who invented co-operatives and, inadvertently, the modern-day flapjack aisle in every British supermarket.
Two students were singled out for special praise: Allan Doherty, aged 38, who won the Award for Academic Excellence for managing not to throw his coursework into a canal, and Ragiba Mayilova, aged 39, who earned the Remarkable Achievement prize for surviving a computing course without smashing her laptop through a wall.
The college also used the opportunity to quietly mention it now offers actual bachelor degrees, through a partnership with The Open University. One such course, in zoo science and wildlife conservation, was introduced in September, because if there’s one thing Rochdale has been crying out for, it’s more zookeepers.
Principal Julia Heap beamed with pride, stating that graduates are now either in hard-earned jobs, further study, or pretending not to see their debt letters. “You can stay local and go far,” she said, optimistically ignoring the latest train cancellations and the fact half the graduates still live with their mums.
From down the M62, we congratulate Rochdale’s academic elite and await the next big announcement: a Master’s in Traffic Cone Arrangement or Advanced Theories in Local Pothole Management.
