Storage World customers have been gently reminded that their cherished belongings are now mostly ash, soot, and regret, after June’s five-day blaze at the Middleton facility proved more effective than a Viking funeral.
Reporting from down the M62, we can confirm that the charred husk of the Old Hall Street site is still off-limits, unless you’re asbestos-resistant and fluent in structural collapse.
“At this stage, salvage operations on the first floor are about as practical as rescuing tea from a boiling kettle,” said a straight-faced spokesperson from RCS, the insurance claims company now tasked with overseeing the salvage-slash-demolition-slash-therapy process. “Drone footage shows the Townley Street end is, in technical terms, completely knackered.”
While customers had previously clung to hope that some family heirlooms, vintage furniture, or bulk toilet roll from 2020 might have survived, the official update has poured a fresh bucket of cold reality over such optimism. The ground floor may offer slim pickings, but anything recovered will likely come with bonus carcinogens and a whiff of disappointment.
“There may be better potential in the half adjacent to Harbord Street,” the update offered, like a pub bouncer telling you there’s possibly a kebab van round the corner after throwing you out into the rain.
The fire, which began on 18 June at 4.50pm (because of course disasters clock in on time), tore through the warehouse with the kind of relentless energy not seen since your nan’s Christmas pudding caught fire in 2009. Firefighters battled the inferno for five days, occasionally stopping to remember what rain felt like, and were eventually forced to demolish parts of the building just to stop it from doing the job itself.
RCS has kindly promised to contact customers who opted for “StoreProtect” if anything miraculously survived. Meanwhile, those who did not opt for insurance have been encouraged to remember that memories are priceless, even if their signed B*Witched CDs are now dust.
Demolition will begin at the Townley Street end and make its way to Harbord Street, presumably following the route of maximum heartbreak. Contractors will spend two months gently reducing the place to rubble, while occasionally waving at the drones trying to spot a salvageable box of DVDs.
“We understand this is a difficult time,” said RCS, before adding that most claims have already been settled. Which is reassuring, as nothing says ‘closure’ quite like a cheque and a plume of toxic smoke.
In unrelated news, fireproof storage vaults have seen a 4000% increase in Google searches since June. Coincidence, surely.
