A Heywood resident has sparked fury after publicly condemning two local charity events for producing noise “so extreme it vibrated residents’ dwellings”, a phenomenon not seen since that time the chip shop’s extractor fan was left on overnight.
The man, who lives within earshot of Brooklands and apparently thinks fun is a human rights violation, sent an email to councillors, the MP and Rochdale Borough Council demanding to know why “intrusive events” were permitted. He later posted it on Facebook, where it received more boos than the singer from Black Lace attempting Agadoo at a funeral.
Eyewitnesses report that both the Heywood Rotary Club, 2nd August, and Sunflowers, 9th–10th August, events involved “two human beings singing songs into a microphone for charity”, while the complainant’s reaction involved “a middle-aged man in a cardigan typing furiously as if reporting war crimes to the Hague” but somehow still managed to string the message together better than a Rochdale Times article.
The events allegedly caused hours of distress by continuing until the scandalous hour of 8pm, the very time most Heywood residents are just warming up for bingo. Several locals have pointed out it’s an annual event for good causes, unlike the complainant’s year-round campaign for boredom.
Facebook’s “Top Contributors” and “Rising Contributors”, basically gladiators of petty comment warfare, descended on the post like seagulls on a chip, calling the man a “Karen”, a “numpty” and “a bundle of fun to be around”, which in local dialect is the most polite way of saying “human raincloud”.
One commenter compared him unfavourably to the very musicians he complained about:
“At least the singers only made noise for one weekend, this fella’s been making it all year,” said one resident.
GMP and RBC have been accused by the man of “shirked responsibility”, though witnesses insist officials were in the beer tent gathering “operational intelligence” about whether the raffle prizes were any good.
The incident has cemented the man’s place in Heywood folklore as “that bloke who hated charity more than karaoke”, a legacy expected to outlive even the strongest echoes of the bassline he so despised.
Following the online backlash, the man issued a statement to Rochdale Times, saying:
“I would like to apologise if anyone misunderstood my post. I support charity in principle, provided it’s done quietly, indoors, and preferably on another continent. While I appreciate some people enjoy music, I personally find basslines an act of aggression and melodies a breach of human rights. In hindsight, perhaps my wording was too harsh, I should have simply requested the immediate banning of all public events not involving knitting or the gentle rustle of hymn books.”
He added:
“I will be making amends by attending next year’s event in person to ensure the sound system is kept at a level appropriate for a vicar’s wake. I will also be handing out free leaflets on the dangers of smiling in public.”
