Residents of Heywood have launched a daring counter-offensive against crime by requesting the installation of a two-metre-high gate, proving once and for all that a gate can do what a police force, societal reform, and adequate lighting simply cannot.
The proposed black gate, which will span the alley behind 113 to 129 Bury Street like a sentinel made of mild steel and modest ambition, has been hailed as a revolutionary breakthrough in the battle against anti-social behaviour, theft, and quad bike Olympics.
Yvonne Bennett, Rochdale Council’s Burglary Reduction Officer and apparently the region’s foremost expert in common sense solutions, stated: “This location is suffering from a number of problems which alley gates can assist in eliminating or reducing.” Translation: If you put a gate on an alley, people can’t walk down it. Nobel Prize pending.
Residents have reportedly been plagued by a shopping list of social issues including burglaries, garden thefts, teenagers doing jazz hands with nitrous oxide canisters, and the occasional rogue quad bike rider convinced he’s in Mad Max: Heywood Drift.
There’s also been fly-tipping, graffiti, littering, and that ever-persistent modern affliction known as “fear of crime,” which is sort of like crime, but sponsored by tabloids and aggravated by Facebook comments.
Council documents explain that the gate’s vertical bars will be spaced precisely to prevent everything except particularly narrow burglars, and the mechanism has been designed for wheelchair access, because while anti-social, the local delinquents are at least somewhat compliant with the Equality Act 2010.
The black gate has beaten off stiff competition from less glamorous contenders such as bollards, polite notices, and a man called Karl who offered to sit in the alley with a broom shouting “Oi!” at passers-by.
A spokesperson for the residents said, “We’re not saying it’ll solve everything. But it’ll stop at least three people a week from nicking me rhubarb and urinating on me wheelie bin.”
Rochdale Council is expected to approve the gate unless it turns out the alley is secretly a migratory route for endangered chavs.
