A Milnrow barber has been told his new shopfront is so ugly it looks like “a Poundland morgue” after Rochdale Council refused planning permission for his shiny black roller shutters, a decision which, unlike this article, doesn’t rely entirely on sarcasm and a blurry photo taken from across the road.
The shop, formerly Malik’s Mini Mart, received a makeover involving black shutters, black render, and unauthorised signage, basically the architectural equivalent of wearing sunglasses indoors. Planning officers, unable to see the charm in the “dystopian discount dungeon” aesthetic, rejected the retrospective application, leaving the barber with the kind of decision-making regret usually reserved for face tattoos and all-you-can-eat sushi deals.
“It gives the impression of a dead frontage,” said a council officer, a phrase also used in internal memos about this very publication’s editorial team.
This is actually the barber’s second attempt. His first go, red shutters, was refused last year for making the street look like a Soviet car park. The black version was supposed to be more “tasteful,” which is a bit like painting your wheelie bin and calling it a feature wall.
In a helpful tone that barely masked the existential despair, the council suggested internal shutters or lattice grilles, though it’s unclear if that would protect against a particularly persistent Rochdale youth armed with a vape and a vague sense of menace.
Local residents remain baffled. “I thought it was either shut down or an escape room for depressed builders,” said one passer-by. “Turns out it’s a barber shop. Who knew?”
So, while the shop front may not cut it, this article just about does, although only because we spellchecked it twice and threw in a morgue joke. Reporting from down the M62, where standards are low but ambition is even lower.
