Rochdale’s brightest GCSE graduates are being fast-tracked into the next stage of their education, which mainly consists of being handed high-vis jackets and told to stand in the corner of an office until someone remembers to let them do some photocopying.
Hundreds of “prestigious” T-level work placements have been created, with local employers such as Murphy, Nexperia, and Autotrader queueing up for the chance to get free labour thinly disguised as education. The Royal Oldham Hospital has generously agreed to let teenagers shadow midwives, presumably on the condition that they bring their own mop and bucket.
“This is a fantastic opportunity for students to experience the real world,” said a spokesman for Greater Manchester Combined Authority, while quietly hiding the bit of the contract where the “real world” means twelve-hour shifts, unpaid overtime and a commemorative lanyard.
Meanwhile, the much-hyped Greater Manchester Baccalaureate (MBacc) is helping to close the region’s “digital skills gap,” which, translated, means teaching children to reboot a router without crying. A new certificate in Applied Computing from the Raspberry Pi Foundation will also ensure that students can plug things in and out again with confidence, skills which will make them absolutely invaluable in the fast-moving world of turning things off and on again.
Teenager Ellie McVeigh, fresh from Hollingworth Academy, said she was “really happy” with her results and excited to start a T-Level in Health and Social Care. “I want to be a midwife like my mum,” she explained, before her teachers reminded her that her first placement would probably involve shadowing a cleaner in A&E.
Mayor Andy Burnham was quick to trumpet the results, claiming Greater Manchester had once again “outperformed the rest of the country.” He later clarified that by “outperformed,” he meant “not quite fallen flat on its arse yet.”
Local schools insist this is proof of “true parity” between academic and technical routes. Critics suggest it’s just another way of saying “we’ll train them up for the kind of jobs that don’t survive more than one government reshuffle.”
Still, optimism reigns. As one teacher put it: “Our pupils have smashed it this year, and we’re proud they’ll soon be entering the workplace, where their talent will be carefully nurtured until HR realises they’re cheaper to replace with a robot.”
