In a bold move hailed by nobody, The Rochdale Times has applied for a £5,000 Vernon Charitable Foundation grant, citing itself as a “desperately endangered species in the wilds of modern journalism”.
The application reportedly described the paper as “a small, community-based organism dedicated to the preservation of local moaning, petty council disputes, and stories about cats on rooftops”, adding that “without urgent funding, we’ll be forced to start publishing articles about Stockport, and nobody wants that”.
Editor-in-Chief, Mike Clutterbucket, explained, “Look, if the Scouts can get £1,200 for tents, surely we can get a bit to replace Karl’s office chair, it’s been squeaking since Thatcher was in power. Plus, our coffee machine only dispenses despair.”
The paper’s bid includes a heartfelt plea to be classed as a “social enterprise tackling regional boredom”, with plans to spend the money on pens, paper, and maybe a functioning printer if there’s enough left after the pub.
Darren Ditchburn of the Vernon Building Society declined to comment on specific applications, but did mention that “we’re here to support all local causes, even those currently being held together with staples, passive aggression, and tippex”.
In the meantime, The Rochdale Times continues to report from down the M62, fundraising by raffling off leftover copies of its 2007 “Great Pothole Scandal” special.
