In a groundbreaking move that proves Rochdale has finally run out of ideas, a long-abandoned office block, previously used to rehabilitate criminals, is now being rebranded as a beacon of childhood mental health.
The Drake Street duplex, most recently a probation centre but which locals mainly remember as “that weird building that smells of despair and printer toner,” is set to become a primary school for children with social, emotional and mental health needs. Because nothing says “safe learning environment” quite like a concrete box once used to monitor ex-offenders.
The school, optimistically named “Supreme Start”, promises a “highly structured, nurturing environment”, presumably by throwing in some beanbags between the panic rooms. According to their proposal, the building’s three floors, plus a basement where broken dreams go to die, will be transformed into classrooms, therapy rooms, and probably a cupboard full of fidget toys.
“We aim to create a space that’s warm, welcoming and trauma-informed,” a spokesperson declared, “assuming the asbestos report comes back clear.”
Plans show the car park at the rear will hold up to 14 cars, which coincidentally is the exact number of staff it will take to stop the building from collapsing under the crushing weight of metaphor and damp.
“We won’t be altering the building externally,” added the architectural agent, seemingly under the impression that a brutalist relic from Thatcher’s Britain is already perfectly calibrated to help 8-year-olds with anxiety.
The school intends to hire 35 full-time staff, a mix of educators, therapists, and people with clipboards who look concerned. It’s unclear whether the site will be blessed by an exorcist before opening, but planners remain optimistic that some motivational posters and a fresh coat of magnolia will do the trick.
Local residents have expressed cautious support. “It’s a brilliant idea,” said one man who once accidentally parked there in 2004. “Kids with emotional problems should absolutely be given help. Just maybe not in a place that screams ‘bureaucracy-induced breakdown.’”
Rochdale Council, whose past glories include turning an old pub into a community centre that collapsed under mild wind, is expected to approve the plan, citing “limited other uses for anything on Drake Street that isn’t already haunted.”
In related news, a nearby disused abattoir has reportedly been shortlisted for conversion into a mindfulness retreat.
