The chair of the long-awaited national grooming gang inquiry must be someone “victims can trust”, according to Rochdale MP Paul Waugh, a bold demand in a country where trusting authority figures has historically gone about as well as giving toddlers matches.
The inquiry, already resembling a pub quiz team in meltdown, saw its preferred chair Annie Hudson step aside this week after survivors described the advisory group as “a cover-up” and “toxic”, which, in government terms, is still better than average.
Waugh took to the Commons to plead for a grown-up to finally be put in charge, throwing his weight behind ex-police chief Jim Gamble, a man described as “fearless” and “independent”, which are exactly the sort of qualities that normally get filtered out at the application stage.
“Jim’s the real deal,” said Waugh. “He’s hunted online predators, upset senior officials, and, crucially, doesn’t appear to be friends with anyone in the Home Office, which is honestly refreshing.”
Safeguarding Minister Jess Phillips confirmed that the inquiry would “follow the evidence wherever it leads”, although given recent trends, that could mean it ends up buried under a stack of heavily redacted PDFs sometime around 2034.
She also confirmed that police forces have been told to collect ethnicity data, a decision welcomed by absolutely nobody who’s been paying attention to how well the government handles race-related statistics, or indeed, statistics.
The inquiry, first announced with great fanfare back when fidget spinners were still a thing, has become a source of growing embarrassment for officials, who now find themselves in the awkward position of explaining why survivors are fleeing the process faster than junior staff from a Downing Street party.
Sources close to the Home Office insist that Gamble’s appointment would “restore faith”, “bring transparency”, and other phrases typically used moments before announcing that nothing will change and someone’s been promoted to the Lords.
Meanwhile, locals in Rochdale remain skeptical, with one anonymous resident telling The Rochdale Times: “We’ve been hearing ‘this time it’ll be different’ since the Spice Girls split. I’ll believe it when the inquiry doesn’t mysteriously vanish into a cabinet marked ‘national security’.”
Reporting from down the M62, where inquiries go to retire and trust in authority is currently trading just below Wetherspoons vouchers.
