Council celebrates rare feat painting lines and not being sued
Rochdale Borough Council has stunned the public and gravity alike by unveiling a functioning pedestrian crossing on Halifax Road, Smithy Bridge, a road previously known only as “The Gauntlet” by residents and paramedics alike.
Funded by Transport for Greater Manchester and inspired by the radical idea that people should be able to cross the road without using a creepy subway built during the Thatcher administration, the crossing now allows humans, pets, and daring pensioners to move from one pavement to another with only minimal existential risk.
Located just a stone’s throw from Kentmere Academy, Smallbridge Library and Hurstead Residential Home, all previously accessible only to the brave, the bold, or the slightly desperate, the new crossing marks a rare moment in history where the council has both listened and then acted. Without a public consultation lasting longer than most divorces.
“This is about accessibility and reducing isolation,” said Cllr Shah Wazir, who was last seen beaming beside a ribbon and a small pile of metaphorical red tape. “Roads aren’t just for vehicles, they’re for people, cyclists, wheelchair users, and that one man who walks everywhere with a speaker playing 90s R&B.”
Locals are cautiously thrilled. “It’s amazing,” said one resident. “I used to cross here by sprinting, blindfolded, while whispering my will to God. Now I just wait for a green man. It’s witchcraft.”
The crossing replaces a neglected underpass once used exclusively by spiders, students with no other option, and the occasional person fleeing pigeons. Council engineers reportedly sealed the subway “for safety reasons”, and to prevent it being used as the set for a post-apocalyptic drama about municipal failure.
The Halifax Road upgrade is part of a borough-wide effort to make Rochdale’s streets more “walkable”, a term meaning “slightly less like an urban obstacle course.” Other new crossings have already appeared in Shawclough, Oldham Road and St Mary’s Gate, prompting fears the council may now attempt a zebra crossing hat-trick, or even a functioning roundabout by 2027.
Reporting from down the M62, we at the Rochdale Times say: if you’ve ever wanted to cross a busy road without becoming a cautionary tale, now’s your chance, but look both ways. We’ve only got the one.
