Littleborough has beaten stiff competition from civilisation’s edge to be named the 380th best place to live in England and Wales, according to a ranking system compiled by people who’ve clearly never used the 409 bus.
Reporting from down the M62, the Rochdale Times can exclusively reveal that our proud borough has mostly managed to land in the top half of Garrington Property Finders’ “Best Places to Live 2026” guide, a national ranking that boldly attempts to quantify things like “wellbeing” using mathematics, optimism, and possibly a dartboard.
Littleborough led the charge locally, thanks to its “heritage and culture” score of 110, which analysts believe was heavily influenced by its proximity to a canal and one functioning pub with a jazz night. Its natural environment score, however, ranked 1,272 out of 1,447, suggesting the hills may have moved.
Middleton came second in the borough, despite achieving a wellbeing score of 1,400, a figure scientists say is only slightly better than prolonged exposure to damp. Meanwhile, Milnrow heroically earned 117th place for heritage and culture, thanks in part to a commemorative plaque for a man who once saw Fred Dibnah drive past.
Rochdale town itself sat comfortably in 603rd place, which is statistically halfway between ‘might consider moving there’ and ‘please don’t make me’. It was credited with good schools and ‘heritage’, though its wellbeing score of 1,439 suggests that residents were asked these questions immediately after opening their council tax bill.
Heywood, meanwhile, snuck in at 734th place – narrowly beating several active landfill sites – with average house prices so competitive even seagulls have started investing.
Despite the apparent grimness of several categories, Garrington insists that all 1,447 places listed were considered “the best”, a bit like saying everyone in detention is a top student because they made the list.
A spokesperson for Garrington Property Finders said: “Our rankings are not a ‘best to worst’ list. In fact, we only included the best places to live. Even the ones at the bottom. Especially them.”
The guide measured 18 factors including access to green space, air quality, and the statistical likelihood of walking into a 19th-century building by accident. Value for money was assessed using a random number generator and a blindfolded estate agent.
Local residents were quick to respond. “I’m thrilled Littleborough is in the top 400,” said one man shouting into a hole in the ground. “It really validates all the emotional trauma I suffered trying to find a parking space.”
Property prices in the north were said to be rising faster than in the south, a phenomenon economists have dubbed “the London escape plan”. Rochdale’s average home was valued at £285,453, or roughly three years’ worth of oat milk lattes in Shoreditch.
Asked whether being ranked 1,447th made Port Talbot the worst place to live, Garrington replied, “Absolutely not. It’s one of the best worst places imaginable.”
As of press time, Rochdale Council was reportedly drafting plans to celebrate its statistical mediocrity by installing a bronze statue of Littleborough holding a certificate that simply reads, “Not Goole.”
