Rochdale Council has proudly announced the closure of two more shops selling illegal goods, bringing the borough’s annual total to 14 and putting it firmly on course to become the UK’s leading exporter of three-month inconveniences.
Following operations involving Trading Standards and Greater Manchester Police, Cozy Market in Milnrow and Pop Smoke in Middleton have both been ordered to shut their doors for three months after allegedly selling illicit goods. The achievement was marked with a brief ceremony in which officials congratulated themselves before carefully setting a timer for 90 days.
The closures represent the maximum punishment currently available under the legislation, meaning offenders face the devastating prospect of having an unexpectedly long summer holiday before potentially returning to business as usual.
Council insiders described the process as “a relentless game of whack-a-mole, except the mole knows exactly when it can come back and reopen”.
During recent investigations, officers reportedly uncovered counterfeit cigarettes, dangerous toys and illegal accommodation. One toy was said to be so poorly manufactured that it managed to fail a safety inspection before it had even been removed from its packaging.
Residents reacted to the news with the kind of enthusiasm normally reserved for discovering a burglar has agreed to take a short sabbatical.
“Don’t know why they aren’t closed permanently if they are trading illegal goods?” asked Helena May Jones, accidentally wandering into the national debate on consequences.
Howard Ribchester proposed the radical concept of shops staying shut after repeatedly breaking the law, while Natalie Batich observed that three months was “not very much”, a statement economists later confirmed also applies to the average British summer.
Meanwhile, government ministers are reportedly considering extending closure powers to 12 months. Sources suggest this could increase the inconvenience suffered by rogue traders from “mild administrative irritation” to “slightly more noticeable administrative irritation”.
Council officials insist they will continue monitoring any businesses that reopen after serving their closure period. This monitoring is expected to involve officers standing outside with clipboards, sighing heavily and wondering whether anyone has considered inventing a consequence with a longer shelf life than a supermarket sandwich.
At press time, several law-abiding shopkeepers were said to be celebrating the news by continuing the increasingly radical practice of selling legal products.
Reporting from down the M62.
