Greater Manchester Police are patting themselves on the back this week after winning an award for excellence in financial investigation, mostly by out-blinging a Middleton drug dealer.
The force’s Economic and Cyber Crime Unit has been officially recognised at the National Police Chiefs’ Council Keith Hughes Awards for recovering over £17.7 million of criminal cash in the past year, including more than £200,000 from noted horticulturist and herbal enthusiast Lee Whiteley of Middleton.
Whiteley, who previously admitted to growing and supplying cannabis like it was some sort of organic lifestyle brand, received a suspended sentence and the heartbreak of having to part with his pride and joy, a vintage Ford Cosworth worth £90,000, which was presumably once used to race fellow criminals down the M62 at speeds just fast enough to outrun shame.
Also seized were a £50,000 Transit van, a £3,000 electric bike, and what remains of Whiteley’s street cred, last seen rolling away on the back of a police recovery truck.
“He only had £3,800 in the bank,” said one detective, “but you’d never know it from the number of spoilers and subwoofers he had per square foot of Middleton drive.”
According to police, the confiscated millions will be rerouted via the Asset Recovery Incentivisation Scheme (ARIS) into community initiatives, crime prevention projects, and, most likely, another baffling police TikTok campaign set in a pretend living room.
Detective Superintendent Andy Buckthorpe, not yet knighted but clearly preparing for it, said: “Criminals flaunt their wealth, so we thought it only fair we flaunt our paperwork. This is justice, but with spreadsheets.”
The award, named after the late Detective Constable Keith Hughes, a pioneer in financial investigations, is a nod to the kind of police work that involves less chasing and more checking receipts.
In unrelated news, Lee Whiteley has reportedly taken up a new career path, potentially as a financial advisor for people with suspiciously large garages.
Reporting from down the M62, we extend our congratulations to GMP for their outstanding work turning gangsters into unwilling philanthropists, one confiscated Cosworth at a time.
