In the latest chapter of “Tech Bros Behaving Emotionally,” the data automation company Astronomer has attempted to rebrand its viral trainwreck with the help of Gwyneth Paltrow, who, fittingly, has experience cleaning up messes started by men called Chris.
The company found itself in a cosmic PR black hole after two of its top execs were caught playing tonsil tennis on a kiss cam at a Coldplay gig in Boston. The resulting footage went more viral than a mid-flight coughing fit, culminating in the CEO resigning and the Chief People Officer resigning slightly more awkwardly a few days later.
Enter Paltrow, playing “temporary spokesperson” in a new tongue-in-cheek video posted to X, formerly known as Twitter and currently known as a landfill fire.
Sitting at a desk like a stylish hostage in a hostage video directed by Wes Anderson, Paltrow cheerfully thanks the public for their sudden interest in “data workflow automation”, a phrase that previously only excited about 11 people on the planet, all of whom live in Palo Alto.
The video, packed with PR mischief, cuts off cheeky viewer questions like “OMG, what the actual—” before Paltrow pivots back to plugging Astronomer’s conference spaces and restoring dignity to cloud-based data pipelines.
“We’ll now be returning to what we do best,” she says with Gwyneth poise, “delivering game-changing results for our customers” and, presumably, installing CCTV bans at all future corporate outings.
Observers called the stunt “bold”, “weirdly charming”, and “a bit like if Martha Stewart had fronted the apology tour for Fyre Festival”.
Interim CEO Pete DeJoy admitted the whole thing was “unusual and surreal,” which is corporate speak for “please stop Googling our founders’ personal lives”.
Astronomer, now famous for its kissing scandals and crisis marketing, hopes the public will soon forget its executives got more action than its software dashboard ever has.
