Heywood residents have been told to keep their tempers in check by local MP Elsie Blundell, after a weekend protest against illegal immigration caused a minor traffic delay, a shortage of steak bakes, and at least one pensioner to mutter “bloody disgrace” without clarifying what she meant.
Hundreds marched through the town chanting slogans, waving flags, and in one case carrying a large inflatable Nigel Farage, which reportedly deflated halfway through the rally, prompting police to treat it as a suspicious package. The crowd gathered outside Blundell’s office, largely because it was near the pub that had agreed to serve at 10am for “patriotic reasons”.
Blundell, visibly irritated but maintaining the MP’s trademark tone of “primary school headteacher in the last week of term”, called for calm and reminded everyone that immigration was a “complex issue” requiring “complex solutions”. This was met with blank stares from protesters, many of whom said they’d “come for a shout, not a Sudoku”.
“I’ve been talking to the police, the council, and the bloke who keeps emailing me about potholes shaped like the British Isles,” Blundell explained. “We can’t solve these issues with lies, smears and untruths, that’s the Opposition’s job.”
The Government has proudly claimed it’s deported 35,000 people in the past year, halved the number of asylum hotels, and entered into a “pilot phase” with France to return boats. A Home Office spokesperson clarified this means “once the paperwork’s done, the tide’s in, and the French have stopped pretending they’ve gone through a tunnel to avoid us”.
In a particularly barbed moment, Blundell said the Conservatives had “rabidly” campaigned on immigration for three decades, “only to leave us with a mess big enough to qualify for UNESCO heritage status”.
Our reporter popped into Heywood once Google Maps started to work.
- Barry, 62, forklift driver: “I’m not racist, but… actually, no, that’s it, I am.”
- Sharon, 49, spiritual medium: “My nan came here legally from Stockport in ’58, and it was different then, they spoke the language.”
- Kev, 34, professional conspiracy theorist: “I saw a dinghy in the Rochdale Canal last week. Coincidence? I think not.”
Police have been praised for “stepping in front of danger”, which in this case meant standing between a furious man and a Morrisons sausage roll he was trying to pay for with Hungarian forints “as a protest”.
