Rochdale AFC has announced ambitious plans to transform the Crown Oil Arena into a carnival of wholesome family fun tomorrow, by providing face painting, hot dogs and a giant inflatable darts board just metres away from where adults will hurl tactical abuse at Burnley’s Under-21s.
Club officials say the event is designed to bring the community together, mostly so they can watch a 38-year-old centre-half “accidentally” clatter a lad who still does his homework on a Chromebook. “It’s all about the atmosphere,” said a spokesperson, “and nothing says ‘family’ quite like a barbecue next to a man yelling that the ref should be tried in The Hague.”
The family fun day will begin at 11am, giving parents ample time to decide whether to let their children on the inflatable assault course or into the Ratcliffe Bar, both of which could result in vomiting before kick-off. Burgers, hot dogs and breakfast sandwiches will be on sale, presumably to test the robustness of the club’s public liability insurance once the bouncy castle starts moving in high winds.
In a gesture of inclusivity, the stadium will be unsegregated for the occasion, meaning home and away fans can mingle freely and reminisce about how they once had dreams. The club shop will also be open, offering the new O’Neills kits for the 25/26 season, ideal for anyone who likes to be reminded of their life choices in polyester.
Tickets are free but must be registered online, which will come as a surprise to several elderly supporters who still believe the internet is “a phase.” The match kicks off at 1pm, giving families just enough time to decide whether they’re here for the football, the fun, or the schadenfreude of watching an 18-year-old winger get flattened by someone with a mortgage.
If anyone has the postcode for Crown Oil Arena, please email it to editorial@rochdaletimes.co.uk as we’re trying to find where to go.
