Against all odds, including underfunded classrooms, collapsing ceilings, and a national curriculum held together with chewing gum and Ofsted reports, students at Cardinal Langley RC High School have somehow managed to achieve record-breaking exam results, sparking outrage among ministers who had bet the other way.
The scandalous display of competence has rocked Whitehall, with Education Secretary Brenda Clipboard reportedly demanding an inquiry into “how these children got clever without permission.” Sources close to the Department for Education say a taskforce is now being assembled to investigate whether students have been secretly reading books at home, an act that may soon be classified as a Tier 3 educational offence.
Speaking exclusively to Julia via telephone as our car wouldn’t start, who achieved five grade 9s, is thought to have accessed forbidden knowledge such as “revision” and “concentration,” while Jack, with his three 8s and an armful of 7s, may have inhaled pure oxygen before sitting his exams, thus gaining an unfair neurological advantage over his wheezing counterparts.
Headteacher Andrew Bridson, a man clearly drunk on educational progress, was seen openly praising students and staff in broad daylight. “We’re proud,” he declared recklessly, before adding something about “community” and “support,” which local MPs fear could lead to a dangerous outbreak of collective responsibility.
As students begin selecting their A-levels, with options ranging from medicine and law to music and economic despair, one government official was heard muttering, “It’s only a matter of time before they unionise.”
In response to the unsettling surge in achievement, the Department for Education has promised swift action, including reducing school heating budgets and possibly replacing teachers with inspirational posters printed in Comic Sans.
Meanwhile, down the M62, Cardinal Langley students continue to celebrate, blissfully unaware that their success has rendered several Labour education policies obsolete and at least one think tank spontaneously combusting.
