Dreams of Olympic glory and fully functioning toilets now possible thanks to developer guilt money
Children across Middleton are now somersaulting with slightly less danger after the long-suffering Middleton Gymnastics Club was finally handed a spruced-up home by Rochdale Council, who have apparently decided that children deserve basic infrastructure after all.
Once squeezed into whichever dilapidated community hall wasn’t already being used for adult Zumba or paranormal investigations, the club now resides in the former Demesne school, because nothing says “bright future” like being housed in the haunted shell of a failed educational experiment.
With a legacy stretching back to 1986, the not-for-profit club has valiantly kept local children distracted from TikTok and Tesco car parks through the ancient art of falling over gracefully. Thanks to what insiders are calling “developer guilt money,” the club now boasts shiny new equipment and a car park so vast it could host a modest Feel Good Festival if someone asked nicely.
Local councillor and part-time gymnastics fan Sue Smith said: “It’s wonderful to see children upside down for the right reasons. This club has done more for public health than five NHS campaigns and a Tesco salad.”
The funding came from contributions levied on developers as part of the Langley masterplan, a cunning scheme in which builders are allowed to carpet bomb the area with Barrett homes, provided they occasionally throw some coins at a swing set or parking bay.
In addition to vaulting ambition, the council is also installing 40 new parking spaces. “This will ensure there’s plenty of room for parents to sit in their cars shouting motivational abuse while their kids are catapulted across foam pits,” said a council spokesperson, probably from inside a Nissan Qashqai.
The redevelopment was carried out by H Bells and Sons, a local construction firm best known for their previous project, “That Thing on the Corner That’s Definitely Not Wonky.”
The final phase of the Langley masterplan promises even more transformative miracles, including bin sheds that don’t collapse in the wind and a library that stays open longer than a microwave meal.
Reporting exclusively as the Rochdale Times, we can confirm that Middleton’s children are now officially flipping out in style, and for once, it’s not because of the school dinners.
