Rochdale Council has asked residents what sort of crimes they’d like to see less of, in a bold new consultation that finally gives locals a say in how they’d prefer to be victimised.
The plan, part of the 2026–2029 Community Safety Strategy, invites people to tick boxes deciding whether they’re more worried about being stabbed outside Greggs, set upon by a roaming gang of feral schoolchildren, or slowly bankrupted by a neighbour with a karaoke machine.
A council spokesperson said:
“We really want to know what keeps people awake at night. Is it knife crime? Is it drug dealing? Or is it just the sound of your next-door neighbour revving a Ford Fiesta with a bean-can exhaust until 3am? Your input will help us prioritise which lawbreakers we’ll continue failing to catch.”
The strategy is being developed with the help of police, fire, probation and health services, all of whom are reportedly thrilled to discover their main job over the next three years will be compiling pie charts about shoplifting.
One local man told the Herald, “Personally I’d feel safer if the council just filled in the potholes. That way the burglars would at least twist an ankle on the way to nicking my telly.”
Residents are encouraged to complete the survey online, although early results suggest the top three community safety priorities are:
- “Stop people dealing weed outside my Nan’s house.”
- “Ban teenagers from existing.”
- “A massive moat around Rochdale town centre, preferably with crocodiles.”
The Rochdale Times will keep you updated, like we always do, once the council ignores the results and announces a knife crime awareness TikTok campaign instead.
