A Heywood MP has bravely spoken out against the audacious practice of housing actual human beings near other actual human beings.
Elsie Blundell, MP for Heywood and Middleton North, has declared it “unacceptable” that single male asylum seekers, those famously radioactive creatures, have been placed across the road from a nursery. In an outburst which experts are describing as “Victorian aunt spotting a chimney sweep,” Blundell lambasted outsourcing firm Serco for daring to put an HMO in central Heywood without first checking if toddlers might be able to see it through the window.
“Following an incident involving the police,” Blundell said, “we must reconsider this location.” The specific nature of the incident remains vague, but sources suggest it may have involved someone existing in public without a fixed PR strategy.
According to the MP, nursery staff have been left in the harrowing position of having to do their jobs, including the chilling requirement to watch children. “It’s an outrage,” one source told us. “We’ve had to spend money on security. Next they’ll be expecting us to serve lunch.”
The presence of the HMO has even sparked a “juvenile display of vandalism”, which some have pointed out is usually how Heywood greets new bus stops, lampposts, and Christmas.
Blundell clarified that she does, of course, support asylum seekers. Especially those who remain abstract concepts on posters or hypothetical examples in House of Commons debates. “Some of them come here for legitimate reasons,” she noted generously, “like being persecuted, bombed, tortured or otherwise inconvenient to international politics.”
However, she insists the system must work better, for us, not them, and has vowed to ensure future asylum seekers are stored somewhere less controversial, like the Mariana Trench or the moon.
Meanwhile, Serco has reportedly been caught off-guard by the backlash. “We just assumed we’d get away with it,” said one representative, “like we usually do with prisons, hospitals, and train contracts.”
Locals are split. Some have demanded the HMO be relocated to a more socially appropriate place, such as next to a sewage treatment plant, while others have asked where these asylum seekers are meant to go, exactly. Suggestions so far include “anywhere else” and “back to where they came from, unless that’s dangerous, in which case somewhere that isn’t here.”
Reporting from down the M62, we’ll continue monitoring the crisis of people being housed near other people.
