Rochdale supporters have been called upon to muster all available delusion and blind optimism this Saturday, as Jimmy McNulty’s side kicks off their National League season with a trip to scenic Boreham Wood, the footballing equivalent of a Wetherspoons car park with grass.
In a stirring rallying cry that absolutely nobody asked for, The Rochdale Times, a publication which appears to have learned football from a battered copy of FIFA 07 and a confusing conversation with a lad in a Manchester United bucket hat, has encouraged fans to “get behind McNulty’s men”. Observers noted that the article featured real words like “squad numbers” and “goalkeeper”, used convincingly enough to suggest the writer might have recently seen a football.
The match will be shown live on DAZN, a streaming service so obscure it sounds like something you might shout while sneezing. Those not travelling to Hertfordshire can instead enjoy the viewing experience at the Crown Oil Arena, where the Ratcliffe Bar will be open from midday, because nothing says “faith in the new season” like four pints of Madri and a tray of lukewarm curly fries.
This year’s squad numbers have been finalised, which according to Rochdale Times is “exciting news”, presumably in the way peeling wallpaper is “an interior design decision”. Defender Liam Hogan has changed his number from 26 to 5, in what the club described as “a personal choice” and fans described as “pointless but alright, mate”.
The club has also retired the number 15 shirt in memory of Joe Thompson, a true club legend who managed to be both a brilliant footballer and a decent human being, something not seen since Keith Hill last held a functioning printer.
It’s only the second time Dale have retired a shirt number, the first being number 55 for young fan Joshua McCormack. Sources suggest the next number to be retired may be 14, once Rochdale retire from having a midfield entirely.
Meanwhile, Rochdale Times bravely listed every squad number with the feverish energy of someone copying homework five minutes before registration. Highlights include Oliver Whatmuff wearing the number 1 shirt, presumably because “slightly terrifying Victorian child” was already taken, and Emmanuel Dieseruvwe stepping into the number 9 role after promising he could definitely “run fast and kick stuff”.
As the lads prepare to play Boreham Wood, a team named after the exact mood watching them induces, Dale fans are encouraged to support however they can: in person, online, or spiritually via sacrificial toast offerings to the ghost of Spotland optimism.
The match kicks off at 3pm. Hope kicks off at 2:59.
