An ageing patch of asphalt behind a community centre in Heywood is to be transformed into a futuristic floodlit fortress where children can pretend they’re Premier League stars rather than participants in a postcode turf war.
Rochdale Council, known for its cutting-edge approach to keeping things vaguely functional, has green-lit the overhaul of the Back O’th Moss Community Centre play area on Peel Lane, replacing a glorified car park with an actual 3G sports pitch.
“It’s like Star Trek meets Sunday League,” said a council spokesperson while Googling what 3G actually stands for. “We’re bringing the 1980s into at least 2009.”
Labosport, a name that sounds like a villain’s shell company in a dystopian sci-fi film, will handle the upgrade. The new PlayZone will feature electronically controlled access gates, 6-metre-high floodlights, and moss-green fencing, presumably so it blends in seamlessly with the region’s natural overgrowth and discarded traffic cones.
Locals have expressed mixed feelings. “It’s great the kids will have somewhere to play,” said one resident. “But do the lights have to make it look like they’re staging a Coldplay concert every night?”
According to the plans, access to the facility will be granted via a code system, because nothing says ‘inclusive community’ like making pensioners navigate an app just to kick a ball. The floodlights will shut off automatically at 10pm, which is conveniently just after the local youth have started re-enacting ‘The Purge’.
Labosport insists this development is about more than just balls and beams. “It will tackle inequalities in sport,” they claimed, without explaining how a fenced-in football cage in the middle of Heywood will solve anything beyond surplus tarmac.
Still, the council remains hopeful. “This is a huge step forward,” said a planning officer. “Not only are we giving kids a safe place to play, but we’re also helping local adults enjoy floodlit arguments about offside rules until bedtime.”
The previous play area, described in council documents as ‘macadam’, a term used mainly by Roman roadbuilders, will be fondly remembered by anyone who has ever faceplanted while chasing a deflated ball near a broken swing.
Reporting from down the M62, we look forward to the ribbon-cutting ceremony, which will reportedly feature a ceremonial corner kick taken by a local councillor in ill-fitting shin pads.
