Residents of Castleton are bracing themselves for yet another wilful display of wobbly nudity this Saturday, as the town’s annual Cycle Lane Naked Bike Ride returns, starting at Phase 2 of the controversial cycle lane in Sudden and ending, as all journeys of shame must, at the Co-op in Castleton.
The event, which organisers describe as a “celebration of freedom, visibility, and exposed testicles in suburban traffic,” will see dozens of riders stripping off and pedalling the rarely-used stretch of cycle lane that was once described by a Rochdale planning officer as “visionary, if you squint and pretend it goes somewhere.”
Starting at the long-heralded Phase 2 section in Sudden, a stretch of cycle lane that has, until now, only been used by three Deliveroo drivers and a confused squirrel, the naked convoy will snake its way heroically through Castleton. Riders will pass a series of deeply baffled motorists, four strategically placed bollards, and several pensioners pretending not to see anything from behind their net curtains.
“We’re reclaiming the streets for sustainable transport and wildly unnecessary public nudity,” said Barry Grundle, 47, self-appointed spokesperson for Cyclists Uniting Naked Together (C.U.N.T.). “The cycle lane’s there, no one else is bloody using it. Might as well get our arses out.”
Barry, who last year got stuck in the bus stop planter outside the Elephant and Castle in Bamford while attempting to “mount the kerb with grace,” claims the event is as much political as it is anatomical.
“This ride symbolises the need for more investment in active travel,” he added, while oiling his gears with something suspiciously resembling coconut body butter. “And also fewer trousers. Trousers are a tool of the motorist-industrial complex.”
Residents have responded with their usual mix of resignation, bewilderment, and strong letters to The Rochdale Times. One local, Doris Plimpton, 83, said: “Last year I was just nipping to the Co-op for a packet of Hobnobs and next thing you know, there’s a lad with his knob out doing a wheelie past the chemist. It’s not right.”
Local councillors insist the event was not officially sanctioned, but have quietly admitted that at least someone is finally using the £2.7 million stretch of ‘urban spaghetti’ that was the town’s most expensive mistake since the Big Slide of 2003.
The ride will end, fittingly, at Castleton’s Co-op, where participants are expected to buy isotonic squash, tepid vegan sausage rolls, and possibly some trousers from St Martin’s Charity Shop. A small musical send-off will follow, provided by a man with a ukulele who definitely wasn’t booked but just turns up at these things.
Organisers insist that participants are encouraged to bring a towel for hygiene, a helmet for irony, and a firm sense of body confidence for everything else. Photos are permitted only with consent, and anyone turning up “just to look” will be asked to participate or leave. Or at least put the binoculars down.
As one local Castleton councillor put it, “It’s technically legal, mildly inspirational, and completely breathtaking. So very Castleton, but at least this time I don’t get caught for not wearing a seatbelt during the neighbourhood traffic watch.”
