Greater Manchester Police have unveiled a new twist in the nation’s favourite low-stakes parlour game, “Guess Who? (But With Actual Consequences)”, by asking residents of Rochdale to identify several pixelated individuals still at large following last summer’s televised festival of public disorder.
A year on from what police have generously described as “civil unrest” and others recall as “a discount Black Friday with bricks”, authorities are still hoping someone, somewhere, will look at a blurry CCTV screengrab and shout, “That’s Kev from the Dog & Duck!”
Detective Chief Inspector Jill Billington confirmed that over 1,800 people were arrested nationally, with over 1,100 charged, proving once and for all that British people can be motivated to leave the house in large numbers, provided there’s looting involved.
“We’ve made substantial progress,” said Billington, who reportedly hasn’t slept since July 2024. “But there are still a few elusive figures out there who seem to have mastered the ancient art of not posting everything on Instagram.”
In total, 165 people were arrested in Greater Manchester, 128 of whom were charged with crimes ranging from theft to dressing like a riot-themed Peaky Blinder.
The Rochdale Times understands that many of the suspects are now enjoying all-expenses-paid spa breaks at Her Majesty’s Correctional Resorts, where they participate in daily yoga sessions, license-plate painting, and something referred to only as “communal regret”.
Citizens who believe they may recognise any of the suspects are urged to report them via the official GMP crime-reporting portal, a revolutionary website where justice is only ever two CAPTCHA tests away. Alternatively, police recommend Crimestoppers, the anonymous hotline that lets you grass on your neighbour without having to awkwardly bump into them in Aldi.
Police insist that even the tiniest tip-off could be vital, adding that “no piece of information is too small, unless it’s about your ex’s new partner, in which case please stop calling.”
If you think you saw someone doing something vaguely criminal last summer and you weren’t too distracted by the barbecue, get in touch. Rochdale: your country needs you. Or at least, your local CID does.
