Papa Johns has closed its Rochdale branch after belatedly discovering that the local population had been using it exclusively as a supplier of garlic dip.
The pizza chain, which recently posted a £21.8 million pre-tax loss, said it was “shocked” to learn that not a single pizza had been knowingly consumed in Rochdale since 2019. Instead, locals were reportedly bulk-ordering garlic sauce and using it to de-ice driveways, clean alloy wheels, and, in one particularly innovative case, baptise a child.
“We thought revenue was down due to market disruption and cautious consumer behaviour,” said a spokesperson. “Turns out they just really, really like the garlic sauce. One guy ordered 50 tubs and used them to grout his bathroom.”
The closure of the Mellor Street branch is part of a wider northern retreat, with branches in other proud culinary bastions such as Doncaster and Rotherham also being culled. A Papa Johns insider revealed that a site in Barnsley was shut after managers discovered it had been converted into a vape shop without anyone noticing.
Despite the closures, the company is hoping to rebrand and rebuild its empire through holiday park locations, where drunk dads with sunburn are statistically 400% more likely to spend £26 on a pizza the size of a frisbee.
Meanwhile, Rochdale residents have responded with traditional stoicism. “It’s a tragedy,” said one man outside the shuttered shop, a shop that shut over a year ago. “Where am I supposed to get my monthly shot of garlic dip now? I can’t go back to mayonnaise. Not after this.”
In unrelated news, local chip shops have reported a mysterious surge in garlic-based condiment requests and a shortage of polystyrene tubs.
